Triad here means the three parties involved in an adopted family: the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family. Most of the time, having an adopted child is much like having a biological child. He has similar needs. He needs much of the same parenting as any child, but there are times when you’re reminded he is adopted.
On an Errand:
As a mother, I can’t help but be proud of my two sons adopted and biological. When people compliment them, I beam and say thank you. One day, I was caught off guard when a stranger asked me this question about Matthew, “What is he, half Filipino and half what?” The immediate answer is half Irish, when I’m on automatic pilot. But at this particular time, I had a chance to think. “Yeah, I guess.” was my answer. Why? So technically, he is not half Filipino, half Irish. So what difference does it make?
It was one of those times when the information gap made a momentary distinction in my mommy brain that this child was adopted. It doesn’t happen often, but the fact is, he is adopted and there are certain realities and implications we have to live with. In this case, the truth doesn’t matter.
At the Doctor’s office:
We had a slight concern whether he was color blind. The doctor asked if there was family history of colorblindness. The immediate answer is yes, on my husband’s side but no, wait. I don’t know since he’s adopted. We don’t know if either of his birth parents have any medical history of any kind. My immediate inclination for an answer halts as the answer is important. This is a case when truth does matter.
In the Car after School Pick Up:
Our eldest son is pretty quick witted for his age. He is very inquisitive and asks many questions. One day after school, as he climbed in the car he asked if a mommy and a daddy make babies together (after learning that certain animals mate to procreate). I said yes. He then proceeded to ask who Matthew’s birthmother’s husband was. I told him she wasn’t married. “Then how did she have Matthew?” He was eight. This son of mine asks so many tough and yet very valid questions that I had it coming Matthew or not (He’s since asked about divorce and why parents divorce). Nevertheless, how do you answer these questions? First, is it age appropriate? Then answer honestly and sensitively. We make it a rule not to give too much away of the birthmother's story because that is her story.
At Home During Birth Mom’s Visit:
We have been very blessed with our birthmom because not only do we love her, but we also really enjoy her. She visits every three months and on occasional last minute request. Our eldest is at an age where he realizes the routine/schedule. He looks forward to her visits. Matthew is still so small that he is clueless most of the time, but there will be time when he will be aware of the routine/schedule, if it continues. Our eldest asked,
“What should I call her?”
“By her name, as you would anyone else.”
“But I mean, is she like family or something?”
“She is, in a way a family, like our church family (she doesn’t come to our church but she is also a Christian). She can be your Auntie.” (In Filipino culture, we call close family friends aunties and uncles).
“But I mean, would Matthew call her mommy?”
“No, honey, I’m his mommy. Remember that you and Matthew are the only two who can call me Mommy and your daddy, Daddy. It’s a privilege” (which is also the reason why we don’t let him call us by our given names).
“So what should Matthew call her?”
“_________ (her name)”
At Family Get Togethers:
It’s the usual scene for most of us. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays – we see family. These days, we are more than usual. The most obvious time is Matthew’s birthday. My family wonders why his birthmother and her family have to come to the party. My family has been wonderful at accepting Matthew as one of our own, and understandably don’t want to feel like we’ve adopted his extended family. We have to explain that it’ll be good for Matthew in the long run. When he’s grown and questions why his birthmother chose an alternative plan for him, he’ll see in pictures how much his entire birth family loves him so much and it is in this love that they’ve chosen an alternative plan. We are hoping that the discomfort of today will avoid a whole lot of heartaches and confusion later for Matthew.
These are just some of the examples that add to the dimension of an open adoption. It’s different, but it’s reminiscent of our family in Christ – we are all one big family.
