Navigating the Triad

Triad here means the three parties involved in an adopted family: the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family. Most of the time, having an adopted child is much like having a biological child. He has similar needs. He needs much of the same parenting as any child, but there are times when you’re reminded he is adopted.

 

On an Errand:

As a mother, I can’t help but be proud of my two sons adopted and biological. When people compliment them, I beam and say thank you. One day, I was caught off guard when a stranger asked me this question about Matthew, “What is he, half Filipino and half what?” The immediate answer is half Irish, when I’m on automatic pilot. But at this particular time, I had a chance to think. “Yeah, I guess.” was my answer. Why? So technically, he is not half Filipino, half Irish. So what difference does it make?

 

It was one of those times when the information gap made a momentary distinction in my mommy brain that this child was adopted. It doesn’t happen often, but the fact is, he is adopted and there are certain realities and implications we have to live with. In this case, the truth doesn’t matter.

 

At the Doctor’s office:

We had a slight concern whether he was color blind. The doctor asked if there was family history of colorblindness. The immediate answer is yes, on my husband’s side but no, wait. I don’t know since he’s adopted. We don’t know if either of his birth parents have any medical history of any kind. My immediate inclination for an answer halts as the answer is important. This is a case when truth does matter.

 

In the Car after School Pick Up:

Our eldest son is pretty quick witted for his age. He is very inquisitive and asks many questions. One day after school, as he climbed in the car he asked if a mommy and a daddy make babies together (after learning that certain animals mate to procreate). I said yes. He then proceeded to ask who Matthew’s birthmother’s husband was. I told him she wasn’t married. “Then how did she have Matthew?” He was eight. This son of mine asks so many tough and yet very valid questions that I had it coming Matthew or not (He’s since asked about divorce and why parents divorce). Nevertheless, how do you answer these questions? First, is it age appropriate? Then answer honestly and sensitively. We make it a rule not to give too much away of the birthmother's story because that is her story. 

 

At Home During Birth Mom’s Visit:

We have been very blessed with our birthmom because not only do we love her, but we also really enjoy her. She visits every three months and on occasional last minute request. Our eldest is at an age where he realizes the routine/schedule. He looks forward to her visits. Matthew is still so small that he is clueless most of the time, but there will be time when he will be aware of the routine/schedule, if it continues. Our eldest asked, 

“What should I call her?”

“By her name, as you would anyone else.” 

“But I mean, is she like family or something?”

“She is, in a way a family, like our church family (she doesn’t come to our church but she is also a Christian). She can be your Auntie.” (In Filipino culture, we call close family friends aunties and uncles).

“But I mean, would Matthew call her mommy?”

“No, honey, I’m his mommy. Remember that you and Matthew are the only two who can call me Mommy and your daddy, Daddy. It’s a privilege” (which is also the reason why we don’t let him call us by our given names).

“So what should Matthew call her?”

“_________ (her name)”

 

At Family Get Togethers:

It’s the usual scene for most of us. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays – we see family. These days, we are more than usual. The most obvious time is Matthew’s birthday. My family wonders why his birthmother and her family have to come to the party. My family has been wonderful at accepting Matthew as one of our own, and understandably don’t want to feel like we’ve adopted his extended family. We have to explain that it’ll be good for Matthew in the long run. When he’s grown and questions why his birthmother chose an alternative plan for him, he’ll see in pictures how much his entire birth family loves him so much and it is in this love that they’ve chosen an alternative plan. We are hoping that the discomfort of today will avoid a whole lot of heartaches and confusion later for Matthew.

 

These are just some of the examples that add to the dimension of an open adoption. It’s different, but it’s reminiscent of our family in Christ – we are all one big family.

Matthew Found

In January 2017, 45 months later (keep in mind we were given an estimate of 18-24 months) my husband and I fell in, once again for the 3^rd time, disheartening introspection. We had given ourselves until the end of 2016 before we reevaluated what we wanted to do – keep waiting or just move on with our one child. 2016 came and gone with one failed match. Failed because she was an ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act). Failed because she had other prospective families she was considering. Failed because we were eventually rejected. If you don’t know anything about ICWA, it was an Act introduced in 1978 to protect and preserve the American Indian community. She was part American Indian, and to make a long story short, we were out of the game to find out later that the birthmother ended up parenting the child. Praise God for protecting us from that possible heartache.

For 2017, we considered and were likely not to renew our adoption certification/license which is up in June. Every year, we had to renew our certification by fulfilling  certain amount of hours of training, education, evaluation, and inspection. Yes, every year, we were reminded of failed adoption, of emptiness, of disappointments and were given a chance for self-evaluation. This time we decided that we would wait until June 2017.

All the while, I was emotionally detached. I gave myself until the end of 2016. I was ready to move on and was resolved to be content with the life we had.

On February 4, the day before my birthday, I went to a spa with my two best friends. We discussed my “doneness” in waiting. If I could recap my life in decades, I could say that I have waited for a child in my 30’s. My husband and I started planning for a family when I was 29, two years after our wedding. We began to wait for God to provide for a child and 3 years afterwards, I got pregnant through multiple attempts of IVF. A year after the son, we decided we would be ready for our next child. Two years passed and no result. We went back for more rounds of IVF and after a few procedures were told to seek other avenues to grow our family. We turned to adoption. This time we thought, “at least we’re sure to have a baby at the end of it all.” Or ARE WE? After patiently waiting our maximum projection of 24 months, still no child. Another 24 months of waiting after that, who are we kidding? So on that day, the day before I turned 40, I declared that I am finished waiting for a child. I am happy with my one son. I don’t want to wait anymore, and definitely not into my 40s.

On my birthday, I opened up to my husband about my “doneness.” He wasn’t done. He wasn’t where I was. We needed to be on the same page. So I told him I was willing to wait until June, but in the meantime, I have paved the way for my future. I have began looking into PhD programs. I started researching possible mentors. During a conference I attended, I even approached a mentor candidate and enquired about his availability. He was due to retire but he referred me to an equally capable colleague. I was moving on because emotionally, I was done waiting.

The point of indifference to my deep desire for this child could be best described by Matthew 5:3-4. “Blessed are those who are poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” When I gave up all hope, I looked to God as if to say “I no longer put my hope in this idea of a child. I give it up to you. I look to you instead to fill this void, of the deep longing for an idea. I mourned the loss of this idea and allowed God instead to bring comfort that even without this child, I could have peace and contentment.” 

On Tuesday, February 7, my husband called me at 9 am. While having my breakfast after returning from taking my son to school, I was annoyed. Normally I would get texts from him, but today, he called me. “What is it?” I enquired. “Are you sitting down? Do you have time to talk.” He asked. “Yes, I’m free. I’m just having breakfast and getting ready to do some work.” At this point, I was working in two different schools. UCI was my primary work and I’ve picked up a course to teach at the nearby college.

“I got a call from Suzanne (social worker’s name changed for privacy) and she says that we have a birthmom interested in us.”

“Are we the only candidates?”

“Yes, but she is early on in the pregnancy. She wants to meet us on February 23.”

“What?” It’s February 7.

Something about this match though that just sat in us, with peace. We have to wait 16 days before we meet her. Our last match was 48 hours. 16 days was a long time to wait, but we had peace.

“Tell me more about her.”

She sounded perfect. The situation was perfect. We could get to know the birthmother during her pregnancy and our son could understand where his brother came from. We could make plans for this child. We have time to prepare and nest. It was perfect, almost too perfect to be true.

To keep our minds busy, we went on a trip the weekend after Valentine’s Day – to San Francisco. There is something about having something to look forward to that gives you a sense of purpose, or sanity.

The day finally came. She was perfect. Down to earth. Intelligent. Tall. In great shape. Beautiful. Outgoing. Bubbly. Most importantly, we got on very well. Our conversations went smoothly, naturally. We hit it off. We made plans to see each other again in the next few weeks – Met her mother, her sister. Our son met her family and even said hello to the baby in the tummy. They came over to the house. It was great. And no, there is no but. It remains great.

In the next few weeks, we prepared. We had showers. We shopped. I decorated the nursery. We rearranged the room assignments. Everything was what they should be.

She invited me to come along with her for her next scan on May 4 (she was due May 8).

On May 4, I got a text in the morning from our birthmother indicating that her water broke. “Are you in the hospital?” I enquired.

“Should I be?”

“Yes, once your water breaks, you risk infection. So they’ll have to induce you if you are not in labor already.”

I went to work that day (upon our social worker’s instruction), though my thoughts were elsewhere. I arranged not to be back at work. I am going on my family leave as of May 5^th. We got home, had dinner, and tried to go to bed. At midnight, it was futile. We couldn’t sleep. We decided to just wait in the waiting room. She was pushing when we arrived. Her mother had put us on Facetime during the entire labor. We heard everything. Then after 5 hours, we heard a baby’s cry. It was OUR baby’s cry. Could it be? We were elated, and scared at the same time. We were invited in the room and there was our BOY! Perfect. Just perfect. We cried and he was handed over to us by his birthmother. She looked at us as if to say, here he is. And here. He. Is.

Next topics to come: Going on family leave, the paper process and navigating the adoption triad

We Are Certified !!

I apologize once again for being quiet in the last few months. We have been hosting visitors from Ireland in the last three months, which helped the time go by faster. I’ve also been busy at my new work.

If you are wondering about the paper work process, you need to ask Alan about it as he has patiently done most of it. He knows me very well indeed.

From my point of view, it has been a smooth sailing process. All I had to do was put my autograph at some designated lines then follow instructions from my man. You have an appointment for so and so on so and so. I did have to badger my boss about doing my employment letter and verification form, but she got it done in the end. It was a very flattering and gracious letter at that.

We had four face-to-face meetings with our social worker. The first was at their office. The questions were focused on our relationship. How did we get to the decision of adoption? Where are we at in the decision emotionally? How does god fall in our decision? The following week was at our house where she met with us individually. She asked us about our upbringing and personal faith. What sort of parenting style we grew up with? How did we come to know god as our personal savior? What sort of child we were and what kinds of challenges we had as adolescents. What were our fondest memories as children? On the following week, we drove back to her in the adoption office where she asked us about our relationship as a couple and about our family life. What do we do on weekends? What are our hobbies? How do we parent Sam? Finally, she came back to our house where she checked certain requirements a house needed to have. She looked for locked drawers (using the particular lock/brand recommended), baby gates, pool gate, baby seat and bed, and other safety features as such. She spent some time preparing us about what we might expect in the next few months in the waiting period. She also met Sam during which our darling little boy just charmed her and after which she announced our qualification for certification.

So where do we go from here? We wait. Our social worker gave us a projection of about 18-24 months. In the meantime, I am putting 10 portfolios together to show prospective mothers. The portfolios basically advertise us. The first two pages should summarize us as a couple/family then the rest are photos, which show the reason why we should be picked, why we qualify as parents.

I’m afraid the blog will be quiet once again for the next few months. Hopefully, my next blog would be news of our new baby.

Moving On...

I apologize for last post’s rather mellow-dramatic effect and perhaps a little TMI. I hope you were able to get through it without tears (wink, I won’t mention names). So aunt irma has come, 12 days late, but it came today in fact. We are coping. Sam has been our consolation. A friend adviced that perhaps I might have had a pregnancy but ended in miscarriage. Many women go through it without noticing because it (the miscarriage) happens so early in the cyle that many just mistake it as 'late' period.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

In my quiet times, my mind constantly returns to these verses. What a comfort it is to know that we serve a God who only desires good things for us. I believe this, for us, and for all who love the Lord.

I know it sounds so cliché but these times have been very good for us as a family. While many families might have been broken due to infertility, I feel it has glued us together as a family even more. No, it wouldn’t be so bad if Sam were our only child. I think we are grappling the idea that God, too, will take care of Sam and his needs, the only child or not. We've known this all along, or course, but knowing it and believing it are two different things.

This is not to say that we are no longer going through adoption. We are simply processing through many thoughts prior to our adopting which may have a big impact later. And as you can see, plenty of issues and emotions have already been had in this adoption process. The encouraging thing for me is that as I read through my adoption book, many of the possible issues it suggests for us to think about have already come about prior to reading them (most of which were mentioned in As the Mourning Yields to the Daylight). I feel God is before us paving the way. Indeed, God is an awesome God.

We don’t think we are ready to move on with the adoption just yet but here are some of the developments in the process. While we may not care for the child’s sex, Sam has consistently said he prefers a baby sister. We have ruled out international adoption primarily due to the wait imposed on the countries in which we are interested. We want to go with a Christian agency probably with Bethany. Their first available orientation for inquiring families is in March, which we plan on attending.

One BIG question we have: with open adoption, is it going to be an issue if there is a possibility of a move to Ireland later in the future?

The Options

So why is it taking us so long to fill out applications: For those who have lived abroad and have gone in to an American grocery store shortly after arrival, you know the frustration standing in the cereal isle. All you want is a box of plain cornflakes, yet you are bombarded with an assortment of brands and types of cereals in all sizes. Welcomed or unwelcomed, the sheer amount of choices is debilitating, crippling, frustrating…

Here are the options with which we are faced.

1.     What type of adoption do we want:

·      International vs. National

International	National
From which countries would we consider adopting.	Race of child.
Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.	Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.
If not willing to wait 5+ years, would we consider a child with some form of medical need?	Open or close adoption.
Cost average $12,000 agency only (+ air travel, international accommodations expenses, medical expenses, dossier cost, visa cost, etc. = $20,000 - $40,000)	Cost average $24, 000

2.     Which agency to go with: This, I think is where we get really stuck. We are making this decision from a much larger perspective than the present. Let’s face it, adoption does not only affect us as a family, but it also affects the child in a much grander way than we can understand. Though there are plenty of private agencies that charge much less fees, it’s really the services they provide that concerns us. For example, what types of support can they provide us pre and post adoption? What types of support can they provide for the adopted child pre and post adoption? As much as it’s been a difficult process for us, I have no doubt of the probable issues the child him/herself will have to face in the future, not mentioning the trauma he/she has already undergone to be in the system and while in the system. To best love and protect our child, we believe it is our responsibility to provide in all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Should we go with the international route, each agency caters to specific countries. Should we stay locally, does the agency only do open or both open and close adoption? So here, you see how problem #1 is conducive to the choice we make in problem #2; or is it vice versa? Anyway, other considerations are agency requirements. I know, you’re thinking anyone who turns down the Russell family is loco. While most agencies will release a child to a healthy loving family, some might have more harsh requirements. For example, one agency requires that one or both parents have to be 40 years old or younger. Since we are not getting any younger, we might be working under a tight timeframe here. So let's say we like an agency for all it offers and to which country it caters, but if we don't meet a particular requiremnet, then we're back to square one. Another example is one parent has to stay home as a primary care provider for a certain length of time, which isn't a problem for us but this would give you examples of types of requirements we might bump into.