We Are Certified !!

I apologize once again for being quiet in the last few months. We have been hosting visitors from Ireland in the last three months, which helped the time go by faster. I’ve also been busy at my new work.

If you are wondering about the paper work process, you need to ask Alan about it as he has patiently done most of it. He knows me very well indeed.

From my point of view, it has been a smooth sailing process. All I had to do was put my autograph at some designated lines then follow instructions from my man. You have an appointment for so and so on so and so. I did have to badger my boss about doing my employment letter and verification form, but she got it done in the end. It was a very flattering and gracious letter at that.

We had four face-to-face meetings with our social worker. The first was at their office. The questions were focused on our relationship. How did we get to the decision of adoption? Where are we at in the decision emotionally? How does god fall in our decision? The following week was at our house where she met with us individually. She asked us about our upbringing and personal faith. What sort of parenting style we grew up with? How did we come to know god as our personal savior? What sort of child we were and what kinds of challenges we had as adolescents. What were our fondest memories as children? On the following week, we drove back to her in the adoption office where she asked us about our relationship as a couple and about our family life. What do we do on weekends? What are our hobbies? How do we parent Sam? Finally, she came back to our house where she checked certain requirements a house needed to have. She looked for locked drawers (using the particular lock/brand recommended), baby gates, pool gate, baby seat and bed, and other safety features as such. She spent some time preparing us about what we might expect in the next few months in the waiting period. She also met Sam during which our darling little boy just charmed her and after which she announced our qualification for certification.

So where do we go from here? We wait. Our social worker gave us a projection of about 18-24 months. In the meantime, I am putting 10 portfolios together to show prospective mothers. The portfolios basically advertise us. The first two pages should summarize us as a couple/family then the rest are photos, which show the reason why we should be picked, why we qualify as parents.

I’m afraid the blog will be quiet once again for the next few months. Hopefully, my next blog would be news of our new baby.

Preliminary Application Sent

Four months (or so) after the decision to adopt, our pens have finally made a mark on the first few pages of the adoption application. The preliminary application was 3 pages long (one of which was filled out online) and $50 worth. For the most part, the questions were pretty straight forward requiring no second thoughts; nevertheless, they brought on a feeling of humiliation. A stupid teenage girl need only five minutes of lust with a dull-witted and obtuse man to conceive a child, yet the likes of me would first have to answer endless and rather degrading questions such as "previous felony." We have to disclose things like previous marriages and reasons for divorce if not widowed. Have we, at any point of our lives, had any psychological or psychiatric problems? Have we had alcohol or drug addiction? Since the agency is a Christian one, we are asked about our church affiliation and justification of our faiths. Normally, I am more than happy to share my testimony, but for some reason I felt more defensive rather than grateful. Alan’s consolation, “At least there’s nothing we need to hide.”

What piqued me slightly is the elicitation of our reason for adoption. If infertile, what is the source of infertility and what has been done about it. As if. Most infertility is unknown, meaning there really isn’t any biological or physiological problem found. It just happens. This part of the application sounds more like, “what’s wrong with you?” to me. I know I’m being sensitive and irrational, but there you have it.

Another part of the application that required more careful thought is the ethnic and racial preference for the child. We checked most categories, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern and mixes of all races including African. The only category we hesitated to check was full African-American. We have carefully and most sensitively discussed our options and had a long pause at the thought of adopting a black child. While it sounds racist from the offset, we feel we are most sensible in our reasons. As an Asian, I have come across a lot of idiots but the extent of my grief never surpasses being called a Paki, a Chink, or a wetback (Yeah, you’d think they’d actually get it right). I can’t pretend to know what a black child has to go through in the United States. I might be criticized for speaking out about it, but at least I can say that I know what I’m getting myself into. Adoption isn’t a fad or “the right thing” to do. It should be a calling. Being open to adopting any race shouldn’t be a fad nor “the right thing” to do either. As parents, as a mother, it is my desire to love, care and guide my child in every possible way I can. Yes, this is modern times. Everything has changed and everyone is now color blind…everywhere else but the United States. I grew up in the suburbs with mostly White/Asians. When I was in school, I dated an African-American boy. While he was every bit like me, I noticed that every time we were around other black people, which was seldom, he changed. He spoke differently; he acted and even walked differently. When I asked why he felt the need to change, he denied it. You see, in the U.S. there’s a level of racism towards African-Americans that I can never understand. If I am to advice my child against certain prejudice, I cannot pretend to know what he/she might encounter not being one. I know this is sensitive, and I hope I am wrong in this, but I think it takes an African-American to understand and raise one. And whilst I’d love to have a beautiful black child running around the house with Sam, am not sure if I’d be a fit mother for him/her. Perhaps if I was colored (or Alan for that matter) I’d feel more qualified. In the end though, we trust that God is in control and HE will bring the right child into our home.

Did I mention this was only the preliminary application? There is no commitment attached (on either side, but mostly on their side just in case). The orientation is next Wednesday from 1pm until 9pm. Yes, you heard right. 8 hours of informative seminar. I reckon it’ll be a day of measuring whether we were fit parents to adopt or not. I feel ambivalent about it. On one hand, I am excited about the prospect of having another child in the house but with loads of reservations knowing that the journey getting there hasn’t been and won’t be easy. 

The Options

So why is it taking us so long to fill out applications: For those who have lived abroad and have gone in to an American grocery store shortly after arrival, you know the frustration standing in the cereal isle. All you want is a box of plain cornflakes, yet you are bombarded with an assortment of brands and types of cereals in all sizes. Welcomed or unwelcomed, the sheer amount of choices is debilitating, crippling, frustrating…

Here are the options with which we are faced.

1.     What type of adoption do we want:

·      International vs. National

International	National
From which countries would we consider adopting.	Race of child.
Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.	Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.
If not willing to wait 5+ years, would we consider a child with some form of medical need?	Open or close adoption.
Cost average $12,000 agency only (+ air travel, international accommodations expenses, medical expenses, dossier cost, visa cost, etc. = $20,000 - $40,000)	Cost average $24, 000

2.     Which agency to go with: This, I think is where we get really stuck. We are making this decision from a much larger perspective than the present. Let’s face it, adoption does not only affect us as a family, but it also affects the child in a much grander way than we can understand. Though there are plenty of private agencies that charge much less fees, it’s really the services they provide that concerns us. For example, what types of support can they provide us pre and post adoption? What types of support can they provide for the adopted child pre and post adoption? As much as it’s been a difficult process for us, I have no doubt of the probable issues the child him/herself will have to face in the future, not mentioning the trauma he/she has already undergone to be in the system and while in the system. To best love and protect our child, we believe it is our responsibility to provide in all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Should we go with the international route, each agency caters to specific countries. Should we stay locally, does the agency only do open or both open and close adoption? So here, you see how problem #1 is conducive to the choice we make in problem #2; or is it vice versa? Anyway, other considerations are agency requirements. I know, you’re thinking anyone who turns down the Russell family is loco. While most agencies will release a child to a healthy loving family, some might have more harsh requirements. For example, one agency requires that one or both parents have to be 40 years old or younger. Since we are not getting any younger, we might be working under a tight timeframe here. So let's say we like an agency for all it offers and to which country it caters, but if we don't meet a particular requiremnet, then we're back to square one. Another example is one parent has to stay home as a primary care provider for a certain length of time, which isn't a problem for us but this would give you examples of types of requirements we might bump into.