We Are Certified !!

I apologize once again for being quiet in the last few months. We have been hosting visitors from Ireland in the last three months, which helped the time go by faster. I’ve also been busy at my new work.

If you are wondering about the paper work process, you need to ask Alan about it as he has patiently done most of it. He knows me very well indeed.

From my point of view, it has been a smooth sailing process. All I had to do was put my autograph at some designated lines then follow instructions from my man. You have an appointment for so and so on so and so. I did have to badger my boss about doing my employment letter and verification form, but she got it done in the end. It was a very flattering and gracious letter at that.

We had four face-to-face meetings with our social worker. The first was at their office. The questions were focused on our relationship. How did we get to the decision of adoption? Where are we at in the decision emotionally? How does god fall in our decision? The following week was at our house where she met with us individually. She asked us about our upbringing and personal faith. What sort of parenting style we grew up with? How did we come to know god as our personal savior? What sort of child we were and what kinds of challenges we had as adolescents. What were our fondest memories as children? On the following week, we drove back to her in the adoption office where she asked us about our relationship as a couple and about our family life. What do we do on weekends? What are our hobbies? How do we parent Sam? Finally, she came back to our house where she checked certain requirements a house needed to have. She looked for locked drawers (using the particular lock/brand recommended), baby gates, pool gate, baby seat and bed, and other safety features as such. She spent some time preparing us about what we might expect in the next few months in the waiting period. She also met Sam during which our darling little boy just charmed her and after which she announced our qualification for certification.

So where do we go from here? We wait. Our social worker gave us a projection of about 18-24 months. In the meantime, I am putting 10 portfolios together to show prospective mothers. The portfolios basically advertise us. The first two pages should summarize us as a couple/family then the rest are photos, which show the reason why we should be picked, why we qualify as parents.

I’m afraid the blog will be quiet once again for the next few months. Hopefully, my next blog would be news of our new baby.

The 8-hour seminar

First of all, I apologize for the long delay. This update is about two weeks overdue, but better late than never as they say.

Yes, it was long and draining but not without its rewards. Apparently, some of the 8 hours will go towards our 12-hour required seminar for certification. 

The seminar was with Bethany Christian Services. It’s a national adoption agency, one of the biggest in the U.S. The first hour of the seminar started with an introduction to the organization. The rest of the afternoon covered some of the legal aspects of adoption. At the end, the best part, was a panel where they had two couples who have previously adopted. The first couple is adopting their third child and the other had a more fresh memory. They also had an adoptee in the mix who had shed most light into our questions and uncertainties. I have noted some of the important points we learned below.

Agency: 

I was very happy to hear that the agency has rooted itself on Christian ethos. You know how many Christian universities don’t really live up to their names? Well, I’m glad to hear that Bethany Christian Services lives up to precisely what it advertizes. The agency offers well-rounded services including, but not limited to, pre and post counseling for the birth parent/s. Their priority is equally centered on the 3 parties involved, birthparents, the child, and the adoptive families.

Domestic V. International: 

We have suspected for sometime that international adoption is out of the question mainly because of the amount of time it takes to bring a child home but also because the child is most likely institutionalized prior to adoption for a few months or even years. We are now looking at infant adoption with Bethany, primarily in California but we are also open to other states.

Open V. Closed: 

After listening to a very articulate 18-year old adoptee, we are much more "open" to open adoption now. We can set the parameters of openness, but we do want some contact with the birth parents pre and post adoption. She was helpful in explaining that having contact with her birth parents was not only useful but also helpful in dealing with many of her life issues. She never wondered why her parents didn’t want her because they were able to explain to her the reason/s for her adoption. She never wondered why she was different because from birth, she knew she was different. She felt loved not only by one set of families, but two. Her testimony was pretty moving.

Two of the most powerful realizations I acquired from the seminar are the shift in power in adoption and the sacrifice from the birthparents/family's vantage point. Prior to the birth of the child, it is difficult for the adoptive parents because everything is very much out of their hands. The birth parents will also choose us, much like how we check boxes for our desired child. We will have to sell our family, letting her know that if she chose us, we can provide the best care and future for her child. But as soon as the child is born and the papers have been processed, the power shifts to us. She will have no rights to the child whatsoever and we dictate the amount of contact we want with her. I’ve never thought about this before. One of the reasons many families go abroad for adoption is its finality. The biological family will not be able to make contact after the child is taken home. I once feared the biological parents knocking at our door claiming our child back but now I can rest assured that the law is/will be on my side on this one. I’m not sure about laws in other countries/states, but in the state of California, once papers are signed by both parties are filed, its final. There will be a period of supervisory time (around 3-6 months), but it’s more to make sure that both parties (adoptive parents more than the child obviously) are happy with the arrangement.

In our society, adoption is hailed as something noble and special. Adoptive parents get all the glory while the birthparents suffer and get ostracized. What I haven’t realized before is the sacrifice birthparents make in putting up the child for adoption. Who becomes a wonderful blessing for us is a tremendous loss and sacrifice for them. As though that’s not enough, not only society but also more often than not, their own extended and close family repudiate them. As much as I bitch about the amount of paperwork I have to fill out, or the demeaning questions I have to answer, birthmothers probably have to fill out equal amount of paperwork and they have to disclose all the embarrassing and humiliating decisions she made in the past. Infant adoption shouldn’t be just about the adoptive families; it should also be about the birthparents making tough decisions. We are proud to go with Bethany which is more than capable of addressing and providing support, and quite rightfully so, in all areas.

We have sent $500 for the official application to be posted to us. The next few days/weeks will be about filling out yet more forms and collecting all necessary items. Wohoo!

We do want you to join us in praising God for providing abundantly. We have planned on taking out loans for the adoption (which will set us back around $24,000) but God has provided a better paid job for me. I am taken on as a part-time lecturer (still) at UCI (but different department, The Humanities). Two quarters (10-week), two courses each should cover most of what we need to finish off our home study which is the average time it takes for families from day one of filling in the formal application. Click the link for a sample home study checklist. 

Preliminary Application Sent

Four months (or so) after the decision to adopt, our pens have finally made a mark on the first few pages of the adoption application. The preliminary application was 3 pages long (one of which was filled out online) and $50 worth. For the most part, the questions were pretty straight forward requiring no second thoughts; nevertheless, they brought on a feeling of humiliation. A stupid teenage girl need only five minutes of lust with a dull-witted and obtuse man to conceive a child, yet the likes of me would first have to answer endless and rather degrading questions such as "previous felony." We have to disclose things like previous marriages and reasons for divorce if not widowed. Have we, at any point of our lives, had any psychological or psychiatric problems? Have we had alcohol or drug addiction? Since the agency is a Christian one, we are asked about our church affiliation and justification of our faiths. Normally, I am more than happy to share my testimony, but for some reason I felt more defensive rather than grateful. Alan’s consolation, “At least there’s nothing we need to hide.”

What piqued me slightly is the elicitation of our reason for adoption. If infertile, what is the source of infertility and what has been done about it. As if. Most infertility is unknown, meaning there really isn’t any biological or physiological problem found. It just happens. This part of the application sounds more like, “what’s wrong with you?” to me. I know I’m being sensitive and irrational, but there you have it.

Another part of the application that required more careful thought is the ethnic and racial preference for the child. We checked most categories, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern and mixes of all races including African. The only category we hesitated to check was full African-American. We have carefully and most sensitively discussed our options and had a long pause at the thought of adopting a black child. While it sounds racist from the offset, we feel we are most sensible in our reasons. As an Asian, I have come across a lot of idiots but the extent of my grief never surpasses being called a Paki, a Chink, or a wetback (Yeah, you’d think they’d actually get it right). I can’t pretend to know what a black child has to go through in the United States. I might be criticized for speaking out about it, but at least I can say that I know what I’m getting myself into. Adoption isn’t a fad or “the right thing” to do. It should be a calling. Being open to adopting any race shouldn’t be a fad nor “the right thing” to do either. As parents, as a mother, it is my desire to love, care and guide my child in every possible way I can. Yes, this is modern times. Everything has changed and everyone is now color blind…everywhere else but the United States. I grew up in the suburbs with mostly White/Asians. When I was in school, I dated an African-American boy. While he was every bit like me, I noticed that every time we were around other black people, which was seldom, he changed. He spoke differently; he acted and even walked differently. When I asked why he felt the need to change, he denied it. You see, in the U.S. there’s a level of racism towards African-Americans that I can never understand. If I am to advice my child against certain prejudice, I cannot pretend to know what he/she might encounter not being one. I know this is sensitive, and I hope I am wrong in this, but I think it takes an African-American to understand and raise one. And whilst I’d love to have a beautiful black child running around the house with Sam, am not sure if I’d be a fit mother for him/her. Perhaps if I was colored (or Alan for that matter) I’d feel more qualified. In the end though, we trust that God is in control and HE will bring the right child into our home.

Did I mention this was only the preliminary application? There is no commitment attached (on either side, but mostly on their side just in case). The orientation is next Wednesday from 1pm until 9pm. Yes, you heard right. 8 hours of informative seminar. I reckon it’ll be a day of measuring whether we were fit parents to adopt or not. I feel ambivalent about it. On one hand, I am excited about the prospect of having another child in the house but with loads of reservations knowing that the journey getting there hasn’t been and won’t be easy. 

Moving On...

I apologize for last post’s rather mellow-dramatic effect and perhaps a little TMI. I hope you were able to get through it without tears (wink, I won’t mention names). So aunt irma has come, 12 days late, but it came today in fact. We are coping. Sam has been our consolation. A friend adviced that perhaps I might have had a pregnancy but ended in miscarriage. Many women go through it without noticing because it (the miscarriage) happens so early in the cyle that many just mistake it as 'late' period.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

In my quiet times, my mind constantly returns to these verses. What a comfort it is to know that we serve a God who only desires good things for us. I believe this, for us, and for all who love the Lord.

I know it sounds so cliché but these times have been very good for us as a family. While many families might have been broken due to infertility, I feel it has glued us together as a family even more. No, it wouldn’t be so bad if Sam were our only child. I think we are grappling the idea that God, too, will take care of Sam and his needs, the only child or not. We've known this all along, or course, but knowing it and believing it are two different things.

This is not to say that we are no longer going through adoption. We are simply processing through many thoughts prior to our adopting which may have a big impact later. And as you can see, plenty of issues and emotions have already been had in this adoption process. The encouraging thing for me is that as I read through my adoption book, many of the possible issues it suggests for us to think about have already come about prior to reading them (most of which were mentioned in As the Mourning Yields to the Daylight). I feel God is before us paving the way. Indeed, God is an awesome God.

We don’t think we are ready to move on with the adoption just yet but here are some of the developments in the process. While we may not care for the child’s sex, Sam has consistently said he prefers a baby sister. We have ruled out international adoption primarily due to the wait imposed on the countries in which we are interested. We want to go with a Christian agency probably with Bethany. Their first available orientation for inquiring families is in March, which we plan on attending.

One BIG question we have: with open adoption, is it going to be an issue if there is a possibility of a move to Ireland later in the future?