The 8-hour seminar

First of all, I apologize for the long delay. This update is about two weeks overdue, but better late than never as they say.

Yes, it was long and draining but not without its rewards. Apparently, some of the 8 hours will go towards our 12-hour required seminar for certification. 

The seminar was with Bethany Christian Services. It’s a national adoption agency, one of the biggest in the U.S. The first hour of the seminar started with an introduction to the organization. The rest of the afternoon covered some of the legal aspects of adoption. At the end, the best part, was a panel where they had two couples who have previously adopted. The first couple is adopting their third child and the other had a more fresh memory. They also had an adoptee in the mix who had shed most light into our questions and uncertainties. I have noted some of the important points we learned below.

Agency: 

I was very happy to hear that the agency has rooted itself on Christian ethos. You know how many Christian universities don’t really live up to their names? Well, I’m glad to hear that Bethany Christian Services lives up to precisely what it advertizes. The agency offers well-rounded services including, but not limited to, pre and post counseling for the birth parent/s. Their priority is equally centered on the 3 parties involved, birthparents, the child, and the adoptive families.

Domestic V. International: 

We have suspected for sometime that international adoption is out of the question mainly because of the amount of time it takes to bring a child home but also because the child is most likely institutionalized prior to adoption for a few months or even years. We are now looking at infant adoption with Bethany, primarily in California but we are also open to other states.

Open V. Closed: 

After listening to a very articulate 18-year old adoptee, we are much more "open" to open adoption now. We can set the parameters of openness, but we do want some contact with the birth parents pre and post adoption. She was helpful in explaining that having contact with her birth parents was not only useful but also helpful in dealing with many of her life issues. She never wondered why her parents didn’t want her because they were able to explain to her the reason/s for her adoption. She never wondered why she was different because from birth, she knew she was different. She felt loved not only by one set of families, but two. Her testimony was pretty moving.

Two of the most powerful realizations I acquired from the seminar are the shift in power in adoption and the sacrifice from the birthparents/family's vantage point. Prior to the birth of the child, it is difficult for the adoptive parents because everything is very much out of their hands. The birth parents will also choose us, much like how we check boxes for our desired child. We will have to sell our family, letting her know that if she chose us, we can provide the best care and future for her child. But as soon as the child is born and the papers have been processed, the power shifts to us. She will have no rights to the child whatsoever and we dictate the amount of contact we want with her. I’ve never thought about this before. One of the reasons many families go abroad for adoption is its finality. The biological family will not be able to make contact after the child is taken home. I once feared the biological parents knocking at our door claiming our child back but now I can rest assured that the law is/will be on my side on this one. I’m not sure about laws in other countries/states, but in the state of California, once papers are signed by both parties are filed, its final. There will be a period of supervisory time (around 3-6 months), but it’s more to make sure that both parties (adoptive parents more than the child obviously) are happy with the arrangement.

In our society, adoption is hailed as something noble and special. Adoptive parents get all the glory while the birthparents suffer and get ostracized. What I haven’t realized before is the sacrifice birthparents make in putting up the child for adoption. Who becomes a wonderful blessing for us is a tremendous loss and sacrifice for them. As though that’s not enough, not only society but also more often than not, their own extended and close family repudiate them. As much as I bitch about the amount of paperwork I have to fill out, or the demeaning questions I have to answer, birthmothers probably have to fill out equal amount of paperwork and they have to disclose all the embarrassing and humiliating decisions she made in the past. Infant adoption shouldn’t be just about the adoptive families; it should also be about the birthparents making tough decisions. We are proud to go with Bethany which is more than capable of addressing and providing support, and quite rightfully so, in all areas.

We have sent $500 for the official application to be posted to us. The next few days/weeks will be about filling out yet more forms and collecting all necessary items. Wohoo!

We do want you to join us in praising God for providing abundantly. We have planned on taking out loans for the adoption (which will set us back around $24,000) but God has provided a better paid job for me. I am taken on as a part-time lecturer (still) at UCI (but different department, The Humanities). Two quarters (10-week), two courses each should cover most of what we need to finish off our home study which is the average time it takes for families from day one of filling in the formal application. Click the link for a sample home study checklist. 

Moving On...

I apologize for last post’s rather mellow-dramatic effect and perhaps a little TMI. I hope you were able to get through it without tears (wink, I won’t mention names). So aunt irma has come, 12 days late, but it came today in fact. We are coping. Sam has been our consolation. A friend adviced that perhaps I might have had a pregnancy but ended in miscarriage. Many women go through it without noticing because it (the miscarriage) happens so early in the cyle that many just mistake it as 'late' period.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

In my quiet times, my mind constantly returns to these verses. What a comfort it is to know that we serve a God who only desires good things for us. I believe this, for us, and for all who love the Lord.

I know it sounds so cliché but these times have been very good for us as a family. While many families might have been broken due to infertility, I feel it has glued us together as a family even more. No, it wouldn’t be so bad if Sam were our only child. I think we are grappling the idea that God, too, will take care of Sam and his needs, the only child or not. We've known this all along, or course, but knowing it and believing it are two different things.

This is not to say that we are no longer going through adoption. We are simply processing through many thoughts prior to our adopting which may have a big impact later. And as you can see, plenty of issues and emotions have already been had in this adoption process. The encouraging thing for me is that as I read through my adoption book, many of the possible issues it suggests for us to think about have already come about prior to reading them (most of which were mentioned in As the Mourning Yields to the Daylight). I feel God is before us paving the way. Indeed, God is an awesome God.

We don’t think we are ready to move on with the adoption just yet but here are some of the developments in the process. While we may not care for the child’s sex, Sam has consistently said he prefers a baby sister. We have ruled out international adoption primarily due to the wait imposed on the countries in which we are interested. We want to go with a Christian agency probably with Bethany. Their first available orientation for inquiring families is in March, which we plan on attending.

One BIG question we have: with open adoption, is it going to be an issue if there is a possibility of a move to Ireland later in the future?

Another Ride

I would like to first thank you for all your encouraging words. We feel blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends.

In my last post, I raved about the freedom of moving on. This week, I’ve had another roller coaster ride, a whirlwind of sort.

Well, As aunt irma hasn’t come around to visit (well, not really), I’d taken a (few) home pregnancy test(s). Has god finally heard the cries of my heart? Could he, in fact, want us to have a second child of our own?

To make a very long story short, this morning, I got a positive PT. I fell on my knees in disbelief sobbing like a toddler whose candy has just been taken away from him (sounds like someone I know). I took a picture of it on my phone to send to Alan. The shock in him! He didn’t know what to say and even didn’t know what it meant. I called my OB to make an appointment. It was just too, too good to be true. The OB said that they don’t need to see me until mid February, or late February rather. Are you mad?! I told them that I needed to see the doctor and after telling them my story, they agreed that they needed to see me…in an hour. Since I’ve lived a life of luxury this month (meaning I haven’t been able to get out of my pajamas until around 10 am – no haters please), I had to rush out. They wanted me in by 10 am.

Alan and I came in. We had a scan, no sac. But she poked around a whole lot anyway and took a few snapshots and some measurements.

After waiting for what felt like a million hours, the doctor finally came in to discuss my situation. She was pretty positive as my linings looked pretty good, but that she’d order a blood test just in case I need supplementing. Gosh, we were pretty knackered by this point, still not letting ourselves excited about the whole thing. I don’t really have any symptoms except maybe for being a basket case about it, letting tears out occasionally; I cried in the car, in the bathroom, in the garage, anywhere really where I felt no one was looking. The doctor was very empathetic and sympathetic that she’d rushed my results informing me that I’ll get a call from her later this afternoon. Before we said our goodbyes, she checked whether we had progesterone at home, should she give us prescription for pills… No doctor, we have vials of them. Anything to do with fertility, we have. We haven’t had the heart to get rid of them yet hoping that they’d turn back into cash. Nothing more than what we’d paid.

After waiting for another million years (I tell you, my hair might have turned grey by the time I got the phone call), finally, at 5.15 pm, my phone rang. We skipped all the pleasantries and she went right to it. 

“It’s negative honey, I’m sorry.”

What can I say? What should I say? A whirlpool of emotions and words had gone through my head. One strongest one was, “Why the hell would god want to play with my emotion like this?” Then I immediately remembered that Alan also knows about it and he’d probably not been able to do a thing at work the entire day. I felt so bad for telling him about it, giving him hope only for me to take it back.

Yes, I felt anger…towards god for playing with my emotions…towards me for letting myself go through this again after all that I’ve been through…towards the PT company for creating such inaccurate device (it isn’t really, but I need to be angry at someone or something). I’m confused and disappointed. I don’t understand what god is doing and I’m feeling defeated.

As the Mourning Yields to the Daylight

I have to admit, there’s a sense of freedom in finally deciding to adopt. No more wondering whether I should order a glass of wine with my dinner; no more half giving up coffee; no more having two minds about getting into the Jacuzzi or the bath. I don’t have to wonder anymore whether or not I should get my period. No more taking a home test kit just in case my lightheadedness or tiredness is due to eventual pregnancy and consequently, no more disappointments after the first sign of my menstruation. Then remaining hopeful that maybe it’s just the slight bleeding from implantation like I had before (I had a slight bleeding for 5 days before I found out that I was pregnant with Sam) until the actual period comes. Yes, I’m finally free!! No more monthly roller coaster I seem to have been on for 6 years. The downside now is figuring out the next few weeks, months or even years of waiting and knowing how to respond to well-wishers.

Today after church, a couple from our community group asked us how the IVF turned out. At the end of the conversation, I caught myself saying, “Thank you for asking.” and Alan agreeing unequivocally grateful for the question. They’re the first ones to ask outside our family and a few of my confidants. I know it must be difficult to know what to say, what to ask or how to ask in situations like ours unless one has been in the same or similar circumstance. Know this though, asking or saying something is better than avoiding it like a disease. It’s actually more hurtful not to say anything. I know I’m Asian but I’m not very good at the Asian way either. You know, going around the subject. I know exactly where they want to go, but they keep going around the bush hoping that I’d catch on and bring up the subject myself because god forbid if they asked, they’d hurt my feelings. If we have confided in you, you have the right to ask.

So how should you ask: Now that you know that our IVF attempts have gone nowhere you no longer have to ask. But should you find yourself in the same situation again, here are a few pointers. First, don’t ask a couple who have been married for years when are they going to have children (unless you are close friends). Stay clear, you never know what the situation is. Don’t wave a baby in their faces saying, “see, you could already have one of these.” (I swear, someone did this to Alan and me. The lady had already been taunting us about getting pregnant for years, constantly asking us why we’re not having children yet, claiming that if we waited too long, it’d be too late. At a dinner party one night, she took one of her grandbabies, waving it in front of Alan and me claiming that it would be wonderful to have one of those. No, she is not family. No she is not a close friend. No, she had no business. Up to this day, I still could not be in the same room as that person). If you know they can’t pregnant, don’t hide your own pregnancy from them thinking that it might make them feel bad. Infertility is not something we wish on others and for pig’s sake, we CAN be happy for you. But don’t overdo it by talking about how bad your pregnancy is or how fat you look. Honestly, I really enjoyed being fat. If your friends are going through IVF and they had confided in you, count yourself both blessed and responsible. It is now your responsibility to follow up. “How did your treatments go?” is a start. “How has the medications been affecting you.” “Who’s administering the shots?” And for pig’s sake, don’t just ask, “HOW ARE YOU?” knowing exactly what you want to know. Infertility or IVF is not Voldemort, mention his name and all his wizards would come after you. When the answer is negative, just say, “I’m sorry.” No really, that’s all you have to say and rest in the discomfort of the silence. Don’t say more.

I know that it’s human nature to say something encouraging. These phrases are not in themselves bad, but to me, they are actually more hurtful.

“Don’t give up. Keep trying.” – yes, if I had a hundred dollars every time I heard those words, we could probably afford adoption by now. “Don’t give up.” All I heard there is “give up.” I may have realized my limitations, and so did my fertility doctor, but I am not defeated. So you know, we have not given up.

“Keep praying, god will provide.” – Now, this is a tricky one. Like I said, they are not bad phrases at all, but my problem with this one is that more often than not, God provides in a much different way than what we have envisioned in our prayers. So what if I didn’t get pregnant? Does that mean God does not love me, and therefore did not provide? Does that mean that I had no faith? Does it mean that I hadn't prayed enough? I can’t take this against my well-wishers and this reaction probably reflect my insecurities more than anything else, nevertheless…

“You can always adopt.” – I can always adopt? Just like that, my problem fixed. I can always adopt. First of all, it’s no that easy. Adoption is not that easy. Secondly, adoption is not a backup. It is not a second rate. For me, we are adopting because we feel called. Sometimes, when we want something so bad and god is not providing in a way we want him to, we step back and ask god for vision and clarification. Our desire to have another child is still there. There are other ways to have a child. To us, adoption is where we feel god is leading us. There’s a big difference and it is an important difference.

“Have you tried…” – Yes, we’ve heard it all and tried it all. Acupuncture, massage, yoga, getting drank (not quite tried having sex in the back of the car or in a room next to mom’s though). Advising them only suggests that we don’t know anything about the very thing we are suffering, neither do our fertility specialist, acupuncturist, endocrinologist, gynecologist,…

“My sister couldn’t have children…then she finally got pregnant.” Not helping. Just shot up and be quiet.

Now you’re thinking, “geez this is so difficult. I’d rather just stay away hoping that we don’t come across people who can’t have children” Yes, it is difficult and yes, that is why more often than not, we feel so alone. The stigma of infertility in this society is so potent (as it was in King Henry VIII's time), its no wonder we keep it to ourselves. I've had those super fertile women who are so patronizing in their tones as though being infertile means being inferior to them. Thank god I don't think that. No, the most difficult part of it all is that infertility is a type of loss that is never really recognized. When someone dies, we have funerals to mourn the loss. When couples get a divorce, there’s a document that separates their properties, a document that finalizes their marriage. “Many significant beginnings and ending in our lives are marked by rituals that publicly mark the transition and invite the support- either in celebration or in mourning – of others.” Said Patricia Irwin Johnson in Adopting after Intertility. What about infertility? At what point do we mourn? What marks this loss, end of hope, end of dream, end of a desire, end of something I can't quite quantify? What’s worse for us is that we have Sam. So technically, we can’t even claim to be one of them, infertile. 

But take heart, that is why I’m writing this.