The 8-hour seminar

First of all, I apologize for the long delay. This update is about two weeks overdue, but better late than never as they say.

Yes, it was long and draining but not without its rewards. Apparently, some of the 8 hours will go towards our 12-hour required seminar for certification. 

The seminar was with Bethany Christian Services. It’s a national adoption agency, one of the biggest in the U.S. The first hour of the seminar started with an introduction to the organization. The rest of the afternoon covered some of the legal aspects of adoption. At the end, the best part, was a panel where they had two couples who have previously adopted. The first couple is adopting their third child and the other had a more fresh memory. They also had an adoptee in the mix who had shed most light into our questions and uncertainties. I have noted some of the important points we learned below.

Agency: 

I was very happy to hear that the agency has rooted itself on Christian ethos. You know how many Christian universities don’t really live up to their names? Well, I’m glad to hear that Bethany Christian Services lives up to precisely what it advertizes. The agency offers well-rounded services including, but not limited to, pre and post counseling for the birth parent/s. Their priority is equally centered on the 3 parties involved, birthparents, the child, and the adoptive families.

Domestic V. International: 

We have suspected for sometime that international adoption is out of the question mainly because of the amount of time it takes to bring a child home but also because the child is most likely institutionalized prior to adoption for a few months or even years. We are now looking at infant adoption with Bethany, primarily in California but we are also open to other states.

Open V. Closed: 

After listening to a very articulate 18-year old adoptee, we are much more "open" to open adoption now. We can set the parameters of openness, but we do want some contact with the birth parents pre and post adoption. She was helpful in explaining that having contact with her birth parents was not only useful but also helpful in dealing with many of her life issues. She never wondered why her parents didn’t want her because they were able to explain to her the reason/s for her adoption. She never wondered why she was different because from birth, she knew she was different. She felt loved not only by one set of families, but two. Her testimony was pretty moving.

Two of the most powerful realizations I acquired from the seminar are the shift in power in adoption and the sacrifice from the birthparents/family's vantage point. Prior to the birth of the child, it is difficult for the adoptive parents because everything is very much out of their hands. The birth parents will also choose us, much like how we check boxes for our desired child. We will have to sell our family, letting her know that if she chose us, we can provide the best care and future for her child. But as soon as the child is born and the papers have been processed, the power shifts to us. She will have no rights to the child whatsoever and we dictate the amount of contact we want with her. I’ve never thought about this before. One of the reasons many families go abroad for adoption is its finality. The biological family will not be able to make contact after the child is taken home. I once feared the biological parents knocking at our door claiming our child back but now I can rest assured that the law is/will be on my side on this one. I’m not sure about laws in other countries/states, but in the state of California, once papers are signed by both parties are filed, its final. There will be a period of supervisory time (around 3-6 months), but it’s more to make sure that both parties (adoptive parents more than the child obviously) are happy with the arrangement.

In our society, adoption is hailed as something noble and special. Adoptive parents get all the glory while the birthparents suffer and get ostracized. What I haven’t realized before is the sacrifice birthparents make in putting up the child for adoption. Who becomes a wonderful blessing for us is a tremendous loss and sacrifice for them. As though that’s not enough, not only society but also more often than not, their own extended and close family repudiate them. As much as I bitch about the amount of paperwork I have to fill out, or the demeaning questions I have to answer, birthmothers probably have to fill out equal amount of paperwork and they have to disclose all the embarrassing and humiliating decisions she made in the past. Infant adoption shouldn’t be just about the adoptive families; it should also be about the birthparents making tough decisions. We are proud to go with Bethany which is more than capable of addressing and providing support, and quite rightfully so, in all areas.

We have sent $500 for the official application to be posted to us. The next few days/weeks will be about filling out yet more forms and collecting all necessary items. Wohoo!

We do want you to join us in praising God for providing abundantly. We have planned on taking out loans for the adoption (which will set us back around $24,000) but God has provided a better paid job for me. I am taken on as a part-time lecturer (still) at UCI (but different department, The Humanities). Two quarters (10-week), two courses each should cover most of what we need to finish off our home study which is the average time it takes for families from day one of filling in the formal application. Click the link for a sample home study checklist.