We Are Certified !!

I apologize once again for being quiet in the last few months. We have been hosting visitors from Ireland in the last three months, which helped the time go by faster. I’ve also been busy at my new work.

If you are wondering about the paper work process, you need to ask Alan about it as he has patiently done most of it. He knows me very well indeed.

From my point of view, it has been a smooth sailing process. All I had to do was put my autograph at some designated lines then follow instructions from my man. You have an appointment for so and so on so and so. I did have to badger my boss about doing my employment letter and verification form, but she got it done in the end. It was a very flattering and gracious letter at that.

We had four face-to-face meetings with our social worker. The first was at their office. The questions were focused on our relationship. How did we get to the decision of adoption? Where are we at in the decision emotionally? How does god fall in our decision? The following week was at our house where she met with us individually. She asked us about our upbringing and personal faith. What sort of parenting style we grew up with? How did we come to know god as our personal savior? What sort of child we were and what kinds of challenges we had as adolescents. What were our fondest memories as children? On the following week, we drove back to her in the adoption office where she asked us about our relationship as a couple and about our family life. What do we do on weekends? What are our hobbies? How do we parent Sam? Finally, she came back to our house where she checked certain requirements a house needed to have. She looked for locked drawers (using the particular lock/brand recommended), baby gates, pool gate, baby seat and bed, and other safety features as such. She spent some time preparing us about what we might expect in the next few months in the waiting period. She also met Sam during which our darling little boy just charmed her and after which she announced our qualification for certification.

So where do we go from here? We wait. Our social worker gave us a projection of about 18-24 months. In the meantime, I am putting 10 portfolios together to show prospective mothers. The portfolios basically advertise us. The first two pages should summarize us as a couple/family then the rest are photos, which show the reason why we should be picked, why we qualify as parents.

I’m afraid the blog will be quiet once again for the next few months. Hopefully, my next blog would be news of our new baby.

The 8-hour seminar

First of all, I apologize for the long delay. This update is about two weeks overdue, but better late than never as they say.

Yes, it was long and draining but not without its rewards. Apparently, some of the 8 hours will go towards our 12-hour required seminar for certification. 

The seminar was with Bethany Christian Services. It’s a national adoption agency, one of the biggest in the U.S. The first hour of the seminar started with an introduction to the organization. The rest of the afternoon covered some of the legal aspects of adoption. At the end, the best part, was a panel where they had two couples who have previously adopted. The first couple is adopting their third child and the other had a more fresh memory. They also had an adoptee in the mix who had shed most light into our questions and uncertainties. I have noted some of the important points we learned below.

Agency: 

I was very happy to hear that the agency has rooted itself on Christian ethos. You know how many Christian universities don’t really live up to their names? Well, I’m glad to hear that Bethany Christian Services lives up to precisely what it advertizes. The agency offers well-rounded services including, but not limited to, pre and post counseling for the birth parent/s. Their priority is equally centered on the 3 parties involved, birthparents, the child, and the adoptive families.

Domestic V. International: 

We have suspected for sometime that international adoption is out of the question mainly because of the amount of time it takes to bring a child home but also because the child is most likely institutionalized prior to adoption for a few months or even years. We are now looking at infant adoption with Bethany, primarily in California but we are also open to other states.

Open V. Closed: 

After listening to a very articulate 18-year old adoptee, we are much more "open" to open adoption now. We can set the parameters of openness, but we do want some contact with the birth parents pre and post adoption. She was helpful in explaining that having contact with her birth parents was not only useful but also helpful in dealing with many of her life issues. She never wondered why her parents didn’t want her because they were able to explain to her the reason/s for her adoption. She never wondered why she was different because from birth, she knew she was different. She felt loved not only by one set of families, but two. Her testimony was pretty moving.

Two of the most powerful realizations I acquired from the seminar are the shift in power in adoption and the sacrifice from the birthparents/family's vantage point. Prior to the birth of the child, it is difficult for the adoptive parents because everything is very much out of their hands. The birth parents will also choose us, much like how we check boxes for our desired child. We will have to sell our family, letting her know that if she chose us, we can provide the best care and future for her child. But as soon as the child is born and the papers have been processed, the power shifts to us. She will have no rights to the child whatsoever and we dictate the amount of contact we want with her. I’ve never thought about this before. One of the reasons many families go abroad for adoption is its finality. The biological family will not be able to make contact after the child is taken home. I once feared the biological parents knocking at our door claiming our child back but now I can rest assured that the law is/will be on my side on this one. I’m not sure about laws in other countries/states, but in the state of California, once papers are signed by both parties are filed, its final. There will be a period of supervisory time (around 3-6 months), but it’s more to make sure that both parties (adoptive parents more than the child obviously) are happy with the arrangement.

In our society, adoption is hailed as something noble and special. Adoptive parents get all the glory while the birthparents suffer and get ostracized. What I haven’t realized before is the sacrifice birthparents make in putting up the child for adoption. Who becomes a wonderful blessing for us is a tremendous loss and sacrifice for them. As though that’s not enough, not only society but also more often than not, their own extended and close family repudiate them. As much as I bitch about the amount of paperwork I have to fill out, or the demeaning questions I have to answer, birthmothers probably have to fill out equal amount of paperwork and they have to disclose all the embarrassing and humiliating decisions she made in the past. Infant adoption shouldn’t be just about the adoptive families; it should also be about the birthparents making tough decisions. We are proud to go with Bethany which is more than capable of addressing and providing support, and quite rightfully so, in all areas.

We have sent $500 for the official application to be posted to us. The next few days/weeks will be about filling out yet more forms and collecting all necessary items. Wohoo!

We do want you to join us in praising God for providing abundantly. We have planned on taking out loans for the adoption (which will set us back around $24,000) but God has provided a better paid job for me. I am taken on as a part-time lecturer (still) at UCI (but different department, The Humanities). Two quarters (10-week), two courses each should cover most of what we need to finish off our home study which is the average time it takes for families from day one of filling in the formal application. Click the link for a sample home study checklist. 

The Options

So why is it taking us so long to fill out applications: For those who have lived abroad and have gone in to an American grocery store shortly after arrival, you know the frustration standing in the cereal isle. All you want is a box of plain cornflakes, yet you are bombarded with an assortment of brands and types of cereals in all sizes. Welcomed or unwelcomed, the sheer amount of choices is debilitating, crippling, frustrating…

Here are the options with which we are faced.

1.     What type of adoption do we want:

·      International vs. National

International	National
From which countries would we consider adopting.	Race of child.
Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.	Age of child and consequently length of time we’re willing to wait.
If not willing to wait 5+ years, would we consider a child with some form of medical need?	Open or close adoption.
Cost average $12,000 agency only (+ air travel, international accommodations expenses, medical expenses, dossier cost, visa cost, etc. = $20,000 - $40,000)	Cost average $24, 000

2.     Which agency to go with: This, I think is where we get really stuck. We are making this decision from a much larger perspective than the present. Let’s face it, adoption does not only affect us as a family, but it also affects the child in a much grander way than we can understand. Though there are plenty of private agencies that charge much less fees, it’s really the services they provide that concerns us. For example, what types of support can they provide us pre and post adoption? What types of support can they provide for the adopted child pre and post adoption? As much as it’s been a difficult process for us, I have no doubt of the probable issues the child him/herself will have to face in the future, not mentioning the trauma he/she has already undergone to be in the system and while in the system. To best love and protect our child, we believe it is our responsibility to provide in all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Should we go with the international route, each agency caters to specific countries. Should we stay locally, does the agency only do open or both open and close adoption? So here, you see how problem #1 is conducive to the choice we make in problem #2; or is it vice versa? Anyway, other considerations are agency requirements. I know, you’re thinking anyone who turns down the Russell family is loco. While most agencies will release a child to a healthy loving family, some might have more harsh requirements. For example, one agency requires that one or both parents have to be 40 years old or younger. Since we are not getting any younger, we might be working under a tight timeframe here. So let's say we like an agency for all it offers and to which country it caters, but if we don't meet a particular requiremnet, then we're back to square one. Another example is one parent has to stay home as a primary care provider for a certain length of time, which isn't a problem for us but this would give you examples of types of requirements we might bump into.