Preliminary Application Sent

Four months (or so) after the decision to adopt, our pens have finally made a mark on the first few pages of the adoption application. The preliminary application was 3 pages long (one of which was filled out online) and $50 worth. For the most part, the questions were pretty straight forward requiring no second thoughts; nevertheless, they brought on a feeling of humiliation. A stupid teenage girl need only five minutes of lust with a dull-witted and obtuse man to conceive a child, yet the likes of me would first have to answer endless and rather degrading questions such as "previous felony." We have to disclose things like previous marriages and reasons for divorce if not widowed. Have we, at any point of our lives, had any psychological or psychiatric problems? Have we had alcohol or drug addiction? Since the agency is a Christian one, we are asked about our church affiliation and justification of our faiths. Normally, I am more than happy to share my testimony, but for some reason I felt more defensive rather than grateful. Alan’s consolation, “At least there’s nothing we need to hide.”

What piqued me slightly is the elicitation of our reason for adoption. If infertile, what is the source of infertility and what has been done about it. As if. Most infertility is unknown, meaning there really isn’t any biological or physiological problem found. It just happens. This part of the application sounds more like, “what’s wrong with you?” to me. I know I’m being sensitive and irrational, but there you have it.

Another part of the application that required more careful thought is the ethnic and racial preference for the child. We checked most categories, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern and mixes of all races including African. The only category we hesitated to check was full African-American. We have carefully and most sensitively discussed our options and had a long pause at the thought of adopting a black child. While it sounds racist from the offset, we feel we are most sensible in our reasons. As an Asian, I have come across a lot of idiots but the extent of my grief never surpasses being called a Paki, a Chink, or a wetback (Yeah, you’d think they’d actually get it right). I can’t pretend to know what a black child has to go through in the United States. I might be criticized for speaking out about it, but at least I can say that I know what I’m getting myself into. Adoption isn’t a fad or “the right thing” to do. It should be a calling. Being open to adopting any race shouldn’t be a fad nor “the right thing” to do either. As parents, as a mother, it is my desire to love, care and guide my child in every possible way I can. Yes, this is modern times. Everything has changed and everyone is now color blind…everywhere else but the United States. I grew up in the suburbs with mostly White/Asians. When I was in school, I dated an African-American boy. While he was every bit like me, I noticed that every time we were around other black people, which was seldom, he changed. He spoke differently; he acted and even walked differently. When I asked why he felt the need to change, he denied it. You see, in the U.S. there’s a level of racism towards African-Americans that I can never understand. If I am to advice my child against certain prejudice, I cannot pretend to know what he/she might encounter not being one. I know this is sensitive, and I hope I am wrong in this, but I think it takes an African-American to understand and raise one. And whilst I’d love to have a beautiful black child running around the house with Sam, am not sure if I’d be a fit mother for him/her. Perhaps if I was colored (or Alan for that matter) I’d feel more qualified. In the end though, we trust that God is in control and HE will bring the right child into our home.

Did I mention this was only the preliminary application? There is no commitment attached (on either side, but mostly on their side just in case). The orientation is next Wednesday from 1pm until 9pm. Yes, you heard right. 8 hours of informative seminar. I reckon it’ll be a day of measuring whether we were fit parents to adopt or not. I feel ambivalent about it. On one hand, I am excited about the prospect of having another child in the house but with loads of reservations knowing that the journey getting there hasn’t been and won’t be easy.