The 8-hour seminar

First of all, I apologize for the long delay. This update is about two weeks overdue, but better late than never as they say.

Yes, it was long and draining but not without its rewards. Apparently, some of the 8 hours will go towards our 12-hour required seminar for certification. 

The seminar was with Bethany Christian Services. It’s a national adoption agency, one of the biggest in the U.S. The first hour of the seminar started with an introduction to the organization. The rest of the afternoon covered some of the legal aspects of adoption. At the end, the best part, was a panel where they had two couples who have previously adopted. The first couple is adopting their third child and the other had a more fresh memory. They also had an adoptee in the mix who had shed most light into our questions and uncertainties. I have noted some of the important points we learned below.

Agency: 

I was very happy to hear that the agency has rooted itself on Christian ethos. You know how many Christian universities don’t really live up to their names? Well, I’m glad to hear that Bethany Christian Services lives up to precisely what it advertizes. The agency offers well-rounded services including, but not limited to, pre and post counseling for the birth parent/s. Their priority is equally centered on the 3 parties involved, birthparents, the child, and the adoptive families.

Domestic V. International: 

We have suspected for sometime that international adoption is out of the question mainly because of the amount of time it takes to bring a child home but also because the child is most likely institutionalized prior to adoption for a few months or even years. We are now looking at infant adoption with Bethany, primarily in California but we are also open to other states.

Open V. Closed: 

After listening to a very articulate 18-year old adoptee, we are much more "open" to open adoption now. We can set the parameters of openness, but we do want some contact with the birth parents pre and post adoption. She was helpful in explaining that having contact with her birth parents was not only useful but also helpful in dealing with many of her life issues. She never wondered why her parents didn’t want her because they were able to explain to her the reason/s for her adoption. She never wondered why she was different because from birth, she knew she was different. She felt loved not only by one set of families, but two. Her testimony was pretty moving.

Two of the most powerful realizations I acquired from the seminar are the shift in power in adoption and the sacrifice from the birthparents/family's vantage point. Prior to the birth of the child, it is difficult for the adoptive parents because everything is very much out of their hands. The birth parents will also choose us, much like how we check boxes for our desired child. We will have to sell our family, letting her know that if she chose us, we can provide the best care and future for her child. But as soon as the child is born and the papers have been processed, the power shifts to us. She will have no rights to the child whatsoever and we dictate the amount of contact we want with her. I’ve never thought about this before. One of the reasons many families go abroad for adoption is its finality. The biological family will not be able to make contact after the child is taken home. I once feared the biological parents knocking at our door claiming our child back but now I can rest assured that the law is/will be on my side on this one. I’m not sure about laws in other countries/states, but in the state of California, once papers are signed by both parties are filed, its final. There will be a period of supervisory time (around 3-6 months), but it’s more to make sure that both parties (adoptive parents more than the child obviously) are happy with the arrangement.

In our society, adoption is hailed as something noble and special. Adoptive parents get all the glory while the birthparents suffer and get ostracized. What I haven’t realized before is the sacrifice birthparents make in putting up the child for adoption. Who becomes a wonderful blessing for us is a tremendous loss and sacrifice for them. As though that’s not enough, not only society but also more often than not, their own extended and close family repudiate them. As much as I bitch about the amount of paperwork I have to fill out, or the demeaning questions I have to answer, birthmothers probably have to fill out equal amount of paperwork and they have to disclose all the embarrassing and humiliating decisions she made in the past. Infant adoption shouldn’t be just about the adoptive families; it should also be about the birthparents making tough decisions. We are proud to go with Bethany which is more than capable of addressing and providing support, and quite rightfully so, in all areas.

We have sent $500 for the official application to be posted to us. The next few days/weeks will be about filling out yet more forms and collecting all necessary items. Wohoo!

We do want you to join us in praising God for providing abundantly. We have planned on taking out loans for the adoption (which will set us back around $24,000) but God has provided a better paid job for me. I am taken on as a part-time lecturer (still) at UCI (but different department, The Humanities). Two quarters (10-week), two courses each should cover most of what we need to finish off our home study which is the average time it takes for families from day one of filling in the formal application. Click the link for a sample home study checklist. 

Preliminary Application Sent

Four months (or so) after the decision to adopt, our pens have finally made a mark on the first few pages of the adoption application. The preliminary application was 3 pages long (one of which was filled out online) and $50 worth. For the most part, the questions were pretty straight forward requiring no second thoughts; nevertheless, they brought on a feeling of humiliation. A stupid teenage girl need only five minutes of lust with a dull-witted and obtuse man to conceive a child, yet the likes of me would first have to answer endless and rather degrading questions such as "previous felony." We have to disclose things like previous marriages and reasons for divorce if not widowed. Have we, at any point of our lives, had any psychological or psychiatric problems? Have we had alcohol or drug addiction? Since the agency is a Christian one, we are asked about our church affiliation and justification of our faiths. Normally, I am more than happy to share my testimony, but for some reason I felt more defensive rather than grateful. Alan’s consolation, “At least there’s nothing we need to hide.”

What piqued me slightly is the elicitation of our reason for adoption. If infertile, what is the source of infertility and what has been done about it. As if. Most infertility is unknown, meaning there really isn’t any biological or physiological problem found. It just happens. This part of the application sounds more like, “what’s wrong with you?” to me. I know I’m being sensitive and irrational, but there you have it.

Another part of the application that required more careful thought is the ethnic and racial preference for the child. We checked most categories, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern and mixes of all races including African. The only category we hesitated to check was full African-American. We have carefully and most sensitively discussed our options and had a long pause at the thought of adopting a black child. While it sounds racist from the offset, we feel we are most sensible in our reasons. As an Asian, I have come across a lot of idiots but the extent of my grief never surpasses being called a Paki, a Chink, or a wetback (Yeah, you’d think they’d actually get it right). I can’t pretend to know what a black child has to go through in the United States. I might be criticized for speaking out about it, but at least I can say that I know what I’m getting myself into. Adoption isn’t a fad or “the right thing” to do. It should be a calling. Being open to adopting any race shouldn’t be a fad nor “the right thing” to do either. As parents, as a mother, it is my desire to love, care and guide my child in every possible way I can. Yes, this is modern times. Everything has changed and everyone is now color blind…everywhere else but the United States. I grew up in the suburbs with mostly White/Asians. When I was in school, I dated an African-American boy. While he was every bit like me, I noticed that every time we were around other black people, which was seldom, he changed. He spoke differently; he acted and even walked differently. When I asked why he felt the need to change, he denied it. You see, in the U.S. there’s a level of racism towards African-Americans that I can never understand. If I am to advice my child against certain prejudice, I cannot pretend to know what he/she might encounter not being one. I know this is sensitive, and I hope I am wrong in this, but I think it takes an African-American to understand and raise one. And whilst I’d love to have a beautiful black child running around the house with Sam, am not sure if I’d be a fit mother for him/her. Perhaps if I was colored (or Alan for that matter) I’d feel more qualified. In the end though, we trust that God is in control and HE will bring the right child into our home.

Did I mention this was only the preliminary application? There is no commitment attached (on either side, but mostly on their side just in case). The orientation is next Wednesday from 1pm until 9pm. Yes, you heard right. 8 hours of informative seminar. I reckon it’ll be a day of measuring whether we were fit parents to adopt or not. I feel ambivalent about it. On one hand, I am excited about the prospect of having another child in the house but with loads of reservations knowing that the journey getting there hasn’t been and won’t be easy.